So lately everything possible I could think of has been on my mind. I find myself constantly questionsing everyone and everything. I have no idea why but it has been affecting how I act so I think its best if I get everything I need to say out.

Guys//Relationships: So I guess I'm writing this as a declaration of a new me. I'm tired of constantly getting hurt by guys and longing for someone I can't have. I've been hurt horribly only twice, but they were significant enough to really cause me to think, especially the most recent one.
    I haven't given up on guys don't get me wrong. I don't think all guys are horrible, not at ll. All I'm trying to say is that I'm done, truly done this time. I am no longer going to spend nights wondering why no guy wants me, because in the end all that does is leave me depressed and heartbroken.
    From now on I shall live as if the exact guy of my dreams is already in my life. And just wait until I finally meet him. Because no matter what anyone says or thinks I truly know whats best. and I'm tired of settling for just anyone. Especially with what has happened these past few weeks. It may be childish or naive to think that I can actually get my perfect guy, but honestly I believe God has him for me  and all I need to do is leave it in his hands and He will bless me with my hearts desires.
    For once in my life im ready to stop settling for just anyone that gives me attention. No longer do I need every man's approval in order to feel beautiful. Because despite what anyone says I am beautiful. So no matter what any one says I dont need your approval So im just going to strive to make myself better and improve on who I am and no longer try and seek everyone's approval. I as stupid for ever trying.

Friendships: I have really been forced to evaluate all of my friends. I have met some of my most cherished friends this summer (you know who you are) and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I truly love everything about them and hold them close to my heart. Yet, lately I have noticed that people aren't always who they present themselves to be.
    I admit, I have changed and sometimes I am not the person I want to be but everyone has their off days. I am talking about those who put up a nice front when in reality they dont seem to care about you at all and only use you for their own purpose.
    Yes, I am a nice person. If you are my friend I will do anything for you without hesitation or questions. That is just who I am. But it comes to a point where I am not stupid I know when you use me just to see him. I know when you use me just for money. Did you really think I was that dumb.? Im tired of it. I hate saying no but you know I realize that some people will never just let a good thing be a good thing. They always have to abuse it as much as they can. So from now on Im still going to be nice and my closest friends (who know who they are) i will do anything and everything for you, but if I say no once please understand.

About me, myself: So about me.. lately I haven't really felt like myself. I'm not as happy as I once was or as funy or as joyful. The truth is that for some reason hiding behind my smile just doesnt cut it anymore. But I realize that circumstances shouldnt dictate my mood or my joyfullness. because What I focus on will determine how I feel. and I choose to focus on the mere fact that I'm alive and can see my friends and show my love one more day. That right there gives me all the happiness in the world.
    Also, Im done with people trying to tell me how to live my life. Not that I dont appreciate our take into consideration everything you tell me but hen you have an objection or better way for every decision in my life come on now let me live. Let me make wrong decisions and learn. I understand you do it out of love and I want you to continue, but Idk if its about the same thing and every little thing choose what you want to say to me. please.
   
Life in General: ok so this is the last thing im going to rant on. but lately it has been boring. The same rountine every weekend doing the same thing all the time. I dont see any adventure or difference or excitement. I hope that one of these days it spices up soon. Because it wont be long until I move away. Maybe New York maybe London. who knows but as long as it is somewhere new and different. I'm tired of everyone acting the same and my life becoming so mundane. No longer is anyone truly interesting its all surface issues and petty little things that consume life now. I long to become deeper and change people and be different. Not consumed with this boring rountine. So from now on, stupid issues won't bother me and I will get out of life what I am longing for.

 

Ok, so that is my rant. I knwo it may not totally make sense but I don't care I needed to get it off my chest and I'm glad I did. So for some final words: Since things don't seem to be changing I think I will change them. Improving myself and those around me everyday at a time. My one goal in life has come to be to change lives and atleast leave a footprint in everyone's life that I meet.

-Elizabeth Anne :)

others have changed.
and made me think i had changed.
but the truth is your the one changing.
you say you dont care about other people's opinions
but that's all a front.
you may be happy now but one day you will regret pushing me aside.
no its not that im that amazing, but our friendship was.
i hope this trend doesnt continue.
but for now i will leave it alone.
ill continue to try and be there.
but it takes two to keep a friendship alive.

akgljhaghalnvlkajdbvlaihgpoeina;glksndv
asdkgjbaorigh;aolrnig;lansd v;lknadf;lgha;ir
adglkandf;giha;roigtna;lkrng;lakdn;blihf;gliha
gjr;lsn;flighnalrbglakjbrg;oiab;ldkng;alkng;lira



your sending me mixed signals.
STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

sometimes i wonder.
am i everything they say i am.?
am i that much of a failure.?
that much of a let down.?
that much of a disappointment.?
should i even try and fix things.?
try and make things go back to normal.?
would it be worth it.?
or should i just let life take its course.?
you know have high points and low points etc...
how did i become such a let down.?
did i build myself up to high to the point of the unavoidable crash one experiences .?
did i strive for too much that no matter how much i gained in the end i always lost more.?
should i stop striving for improvement and settle for the anesthetized way of life so many have become familiar with.?
i just dont know anymore...

letting my best friend down is honestly the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with..
knowing she is irritated with me and what im "doing with my life" hurts more than heartbreak.
and the fact that i have absolutely NOONE to catch me as im falling right now hurts even more.
and the two people i thought might be there for me are too busy helping eachother to even question why i hate life right now.
i spent literally the past week trying to heal two broken hearts and the one time i need help i have noone, i cant even help myself anymore.

thats it im done..
honestly who cares if i have anyone at all
i guess my life is meant to make other people smile and be happy
but i will never experience true pleasure on the inside
only artificial happiness and im okay with that.!
it worked before so well that the artificial turned into reality (or so i thought)
maybe it will happen again...
who knows..

I can see it comin' on the horizon
Sky turning black, it's raining down
Can't move my feet, cannot be shaken
Not movin', I'm standing strong

I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
(x2)

All these things coming against me
I have the choice to fall or fight
I cannot be moved
You give me the strength
Help me fight, help me fight

I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved
I'm standing so firm
I can't be moved

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
(x2)

I will stand(x2)
Everything falls away
(x2)
I will stand(x3)

I will stand(x2)
When everything falls away
I will fight this war forever
Or until I die
(x2)

And I'm standing so firm
On this ground you've sat before me
I'll fight for this with my last breath
I'll fight for this till I die
I can't be moved(x2)



>an absolutely incredible song and even more incredible band.

>Ive learned these past few weeks that no matter what other people may say, no matter how many friends or relationships you may lose, stand up for what you believe is right because in the end the reward and feeling you get from standing firm is so much more fufilling than any reward  you may get from giving in and giving up.!

>so from this day forward "I will stand, I will Stand, when everything falls away, i will fight this war forever or until i die. And im standing so firm, on this ground you've sat before me, ill fight for this with my last breath, ill fight for this till i die, i cant be moved."

Its interesting how those you thought were always there for you and always had your back, were never there at all. They just use you as a good deed for the day. Im slowly learning i trust people way too easily and i need to learn that someone must earn trust to gain it because they will never gain it if given to them. They will just merely take it for granted. Yeah they act like they care when all they are thinking about is "when can i get back to my own life and what i was doing before she called" in their minds. Through many of these experiences these past couple of weeks i realized that i had some of the greatest friends ill ever have in my life. But because all humans are selfish we constantly want more and more. In doing so i neglected and set aside those who have always had my back and been by my side and for that i am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone in anyway or make them think i had forgotten them. I just got caught up in forming new relationships that i forgot to keep the old ones going. Well from now on im back to the old me and all there is to do is move on from this and learn so if you still have something against me for some reason then im fine with that. no longer will every single persons opinion matter to me. I am strong and you will not bring me down to your level just because your jealous or angry with me.

To my new friends im soo happy i met you because some of you have taught me things i would have never learned or realized about myself and i cant wait to continue building friendships with you.
To my old friends im eternally grateful for having you in my life and im thankful for each and everyone of you.! You guys have been there with me from beginning to end and i know noone else could have helped me get through alot of the stuff i did. You guys have made me who i am and i can never repay you.

so i guess my point of this besides letting everything out is just to make sure that when you meet new people and form new friendships you dont forget about those who have helped you from the beginning and have made you the person you are.! Enjoy the times you have with them and dont push them aside because one day you'll need them but they wont be there for you anymore.

okay thats it im done.! :]

to hide behind my smile again
it use to work so well.

So this is my first day using this and i have no idea what im doing..
oh well ill start writing probably everyday because this little white girl has a lot on her mind and a lot to share with the world.!

well ill post my first real entry after i figure everything out.! :]